A Fond but Terribly Hard Farewell

After a lovely weekend with my father that started on Friday and ended with a Christmas Dinner that was probably the best we've ever had last night, I saw my Dad off this morning at about 10:00am as he headed home to Iowa.

I'm so pleased that things went as well as they did and I look forward to doing it again next year but, at the moment, I think I am the saddest I've been in a long time. As I sit here all teary-eyed, I find it interesting that one can be so happy and so sad all at the same time.

Anyway, my thoughts are with my Dad who will be calling me when he gets home to let me know he arrived safe and sound. For now, I have much to do so I suppose that is it for now...

Why...

Well... I now know for certain that one of the two jobs I was trying to get did not go to me. Two gentlemen here at work are officially transferring to the IT department and I am not one of them.
I really don't understand why I can't seem to get ahead in this world but it has become undeniably clear that I'm not meant to succeed.

Money for Nothing, Checks for Free

...I wish!!!

I paid bills yesterday... I'm thankful that I was able to work enough overtime to do so but, at the same time, I have to wonder why, exactly, I should have to kill myself just to survive. I'm not sure how I'll pay the next round o' bills that I will have to take care of mid month because work has slowed down and I don't know if OT will be available.

Apparently, both of the jobs I applied for last month have long-since been taken by others. I never got a call on either position. I'm not sure what it is I'm doing incorrectly but I'm obviously not getting it right...

On the positive side of things, though I keep dreaming about cigarettes, I'm clean and haven't smoked for five weeks as of yesterday. I'm pretty proud of this achievement.and I look forward to the time when I can afford to get my new bicycle out of Wal Mart layaway and start getting healthy again.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now.

I'm tired of having to deal with this s***...

So...

I'm sitting here arguing back and forth with my roommate. He seems to have no concern regarding the fact that he is roughly $1200 in the hole to me and that, because he has bled my reserves completely dry and still failed to pay me anything but fifty bucks this month, I have no way to pay the rent and other bills.

What makes it even better is the fact that, even though I almost lost my marriage because of it, I was going to be working lots of overtime so that I could get caught up on bills again and, lo and behold, the overtime at work was cancelled.

So now I sit here at work, trying not to cry and wondering what the f*** I'm supposed to do to keep a roof over my family and food on the table.

Thanks a million, FRIEND.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though... He's done it before and I should have never let him move back in in the first place. Fool me twice...

Such mistakes won't happen again...

Staying Quit...

Well... I've made it well over the 72 hour mark without a cigarette now and they say that is the worst of it, so the rest should be fairly simple. I'm pretty proud of myself and I feel better then I have in a long time since getting off of the nicotine.

26 Hours Down, One To Go...

I've now made it 26 hours without a cigarette. Although this would probably seem like nothing to the non-addict, I'm quite proud of myself for going 26 hours without the drug I've craved and ingested for so long now.
The other half of my blog title, 'One to go' is something I've picked up from some Stop Smoking websites. They all make a very good point about quitting smoking and that is that 'forever' is a VERY LONG TIME and especially so to the withdrawl experiencing addict. It is because of this that I'm only worried about the next hour. After that hour, I'll deal with making it through the hour after that and so on.
For now, I feel pretty good though I feel half-stoned and I'm not sure what is causing it. It is probably the fact that my caffeine levels are higher now because I don't have nearly as much nicotine using up caffeine. Either way, it is an interesting feeling...

Quitting Smoking SUCKS!!!

I'm trying once again to quit smoking and it is sucking worse then I remember it from the last times. I've definitely got the DT's going on right now... I'm moody and craving cigarettes like my life depends on them....
What is the most crazy thing about quitting smoking? The fact that my brain is arguing with me.... I mean, I have caught myself rationalizing everything from bumming a drag off of a friend to buying another pack. I have to stop and tell myself no and move on. Then... 20 or so minutes later... I'm thinking of the fact that one cigarette won't hurt... GAH!!!
It is definitely tough, but I'm nearing the 20 hour mark with no cigarettes, so I'm doing all right. I just don't know how long I can keep arguing with myself before I finally give in to myself... LOL
Well... That's it for now... I'll update again soon.

(In the fashion of 'The Price is Right') A New Car!!!

Anyway... As you can guess from the title, I finally broke down and bought a new car today. My Buick has been having death throws lately and I didn't know how much longer it would last so I figured that if I could find a car I liked that I could afford I would go ahead and buy it. Well... I found a car I liked, at least... LOL

I'm only paying 8k for it, but making that payment is going to be tough for me right now. Still, I'm quite pleased with the price and I love the car and Jess and Goobus like it too, so I can't say that it's a bad thing.

On another note, I had a most wonderful day with my wife and daughter after we made it out of the car dealership. I took the family to the park and watched my daughter play for awhile and then we went driving to my mom's house to show off the new car and then to some friends' for the same reason. The only downside was my daughter whining about everything she could possibly think of but, hey... what are kids for? LOL

Anyway, I have schoolwork I need to do and sleep I need to get before I head out to work tomorrow so I'm ending this now before I ramble on more about my sweet new ride!! LOL

Good night.

I think I need help dealing...

**DISCLAIMER**
Since I know you will read this, my love, don't get angry. I'm just venting my frustrations because that's what blogs are for. ;-). That goes for anyone else that happens to be the subject matter of one of my posts, too. This is just me venting so don't take offense.
**END DISCLAIMER**

So... It has been seven days since my wife and I discussed the fact that she was planning on divorcing me and seven days since we agreed to work things out and get back to being a happy couple I'm pleased to say that things have been going well. However, I've had to work the last few days so I haven't seen much of her. I planned on having a nice, enjoyable day with her today, being that it is one of only two days off that I'm getting this week, but instead I spent most of the day arguing with my daughter about her responsibilities while my wife slept the day away.

Now I know that this seems like a stupid thing to be bothered by but when I'm expected to (and willing to and wanting to) make time to spend with her and want nothing more then to do just that, this kind of thing just hurts me on some deep, emotional level.

On top of that, my mother called me today with 'some horrible news' that I 'needed to be prepared for'.... Apparently, she had talked to my Aunt... Jess had talked to my Aunt about all of this stuff a few weeks ago and asked her to keep it confidential, but as I explained to Jess, I would never expect a family member of the other party to be able to hold up to that, and my Aunt apparently told my Mom all about it. So anyway... Mom is freaking out and telling me how Jess is going to leave me and how she's having a relationship with someone online and having cybersex with him and calling him on the phone. Of course, Jess has already told me all of this (although I thought it was only once that she had cybersex with him), but hearing it from my mother was like getting a knife in the eyball and it brought it all back up to the surface... *sighs*

Anyway... that's all the venting I'm going to do for now. Getting it out has made me feel a little better, though I'm still having a tough time with the fact that Jess was, more or less, cheating on me. I wish that she had told me that there was a problem before she took that route... Alas! It is over and done with now and I will just continue to be there for her and work through my emotions. I'm going to go cuddle with her for a few moments before I pass out.

My Daughter the Brat...

I'm at my wit's end with my daughter... No matter what Jess and I do, she will not listen. I've tried being sugary sweet and lemony sour and nothing seems to get through to her.

The current situation is this: For the last two weeks, we have been telling her to clean her room and she just completely refuses to do so. I've tried taking away privelages.. In fact, she's completely out of privileges at the moment. I've grounded her to her room, she just ignores that and comes out anyway. I've taken away her radio and she continues to disobey. She continuosly tells us no and throws fits... I just don't know what to do...

Eugh...

Today is my first day back to work since the discussion on Thursday and it is not going well at all... LOL
I feel like crap and I have this overwhelming urge to be at home with my wife that words just can't describe. And the real bummer is that it is only two hours in to my twelve hours shift... *sighs*
I've been asked to work two days of overtime this week and have turned it down because Jess asked me not to work that much but I feel like I should take all the money I can get at this point.... Talk about a serious conflict of interests... LOL. But, as I told Jess this past week, she is more important then the money so I know I've made the right choice.
Well... Hopefully things will get better as the day progresses... I look forward to getting home and spending time with my family, though...

A Blessed Day

Today has been a good day. Other then my internal feelings, I've had no problems dealing with life.. LOL

Jess and I are getting along great again and it feels good to be back to normal. It will be a lot of work to keep things moving in the right direction but at least it is work I am more than happy to do.

As far as my internal feelings are concerned, it will take me a while to work through them. It is hard to hear what I have heard and not be affected by it so I don't feel badly for having my feelings. I just feel badly that this whole thing ever had to happen.

Alas, I believe that is it for this evening. I'm all typed out...

The Day After...

Today went very well. At least I think it did.
I found out more startling things about how close I was to losing my wife. Apparently, she had already decided on divorce but was scared about being able to have the financial resources to leave me and she'd already started working on a new relationship to replace me...
GODS!!! How could I be so blind as to not see any of this? I really feel like the biggest moron on the planet at this point....
But... We had a very nice day; We spent most of the day talking and it was like the old days again. I think it was what we both needed and definitely something we need to continue doing. I mean, I've always prided myself on how well we are able to communicate and, apparently, I'd lost touch with that ability these past weeks...
I officially 'broke down' on her toward the end of the day... LOL. I'd been trying not to do so since Thursday because I was at fault in this whole thing and I wanted to be there for her but I just couldn't hold off any longer I guess. I had a good cry, though, and it gave me the opportunity to poor my heart out and really tell her how much it hurt to know that I'd caused her so much pain and anguish and that I'd been so close to losing her.
Well... I'm starting to cry again while writing this and my daughter is asking for eggs so I guess that's it for the time being. There'll be more to come, I'm sure...

A Trying Weekend...

Well...
I had the scariest moment of my life today. My beloved wife of seven years and friend of 14 told me she was considering a divorce.
Come to find out, I have made the classic mistake in my marriage; Caring too much about providing and not enough about loving.
After a very deep and eye-opening discussion, though, we have agreed that it would be better to work it out then to give up on our wonderful relationship.
So from this day forward, I feel that I've got my priorities straight. I just hope my beautiful Jess truly knows how much I love her.